Category Archives: BCLC

What Does Connection Look Like?

What does connection look like after your children have not left well? In today’s society it is so much easier than it would have been a long time ago. Remaining connected to our children who are outside of our home is vital. Obviously, there must be a connected relationship already established. I am so thankful that over the years, our… (more…)

Settling In….

Sweetie 4 has been home since Friday. The weekend was like another Furlough. She knew what to expect as we continued doing the same things and she had the same schedule. Then came Monday. It was all new to her. She has been away over a year and the dynamics of family life have changed now that 2 of the… (more…)

Reflections

Tomorrow, just one more day, and Sweetie 4 will walk out the doors of the detention center into a new life. But it won’t be a new life with a different family. It will a different life with THIS family. HER family. I cannot express how closely we felt the despair of the possibility that she would not return home.… (more…)

“They Just Need Love”

I was sitting in the psychiatrist’s office with Sweetie 4 for an appointment last year. I traveled from home and she was brought by the juvenile detention center. The transport officer was a very nice lady who was very well meaning. She spoke about how she is the “jail mama” and all the kids call her that. She mentioned it… (more…)

Being The Steady…

Somebody asked about disrespect from a teen who said they COULD be verbally abusive and there was nothing the parent could do about it. The question was, what do you say when they say this? First off, ((((HUGS)))) to you. I know this was not a part of the picture you had in mind when expanding your family, and offering… (more…)

An Aha Moment again…..

Over the last several years, we have been learning more and more about what abuse and neglect does to the brain. It changes it. I have written long ago about chaos being normal and normal seeming like chaos to the newly adopted child, and that IS true. It is our job as parents to flip that around and help them… (more…)

Defeating Shame

Defeating SHAME¬† written in 2011 Another BCLC Moment, brought to you……. ūüôā Sweetie 2 and 4¬† Skating by the Shoppe ūüôā If you understand the concepts behind BCLC (Beyond Consequences Logic and Control) you will know that being in a place of¬† FEAR_brings about¬† shame.¬† A child¬† can get angry or sullen or shut down.¬† They may act angry or… (more…)

A Not So BCLC Moment

Originally Written in June 2011 We can turn our personal failures into successes A NOT so BCLC Moment: courtesy of ME! Turned into a BCLC moment…. in the end. Today started out as a great day. Everything was going well… Sweetie 4¬† was very excited about her treasures from the Euro Deli and said some really sweet things. Then….all of… (more…)

Addicted to Trauma? Rejection? Drama?

I wasn’t sure what else to title this.¬† So, I am wanting to explore some thoughts I had in the middle of the night. Do you ever just wake up in the middle of the night with “aha” moments and some quiet, clear time to think? That is what happened to me last night. I have been pondering the events… (more…)

Visiting and Singing and Things….

Tonight, Mike and I visited Sweetie 4.¬† She is doing really well. She was talking about all the things she got to do during her childhood at home. Apparently they talked about this in group therapy today, and she was thinking about how much fun she had while she was home. She was expressing thankfulness that we let her be… (more…)

Punishment Vs. Natural Consequences

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between “Punishment” and “Natural Consequences”. There are Natural Consequences to the things we do that are unavoidable. But punishment is disconnected. Having NO consequences is different than having NO punishment. Natural consequences for our actions are a part of real life. That may seem like “splitting hairs” but it really… (more…)

Trauma and Holidays

Originally written in November 2011 with addendum 2015 I have written about our children’s internal clock, and how Holidays can wreak havoc on a child who has suffered much in life. We are not strangers to Trauma, or Anniversaries.¬†¬† Those anniversaries are usually not positive!¬† They bring back memories and our children suffer so. Over the years, I have found… (more…)

CONNECTED!

Visiting¬†Sweetie 4 on Thursday evening ¬†didn’t go so well. ¬†She wound up leaving the visit asking¬† demanding ¬†for me never come back , saying that she would refuse my visits. I have to say, that had never happened before in any of our visits. ¬†So this was new. ¬†It wasn’t without trepidation that I returned to visit this a.m. She¬†wasn’t… (more…)

Order to Apprehend

Yeah, that is a fancy way to say there was a warrant issued for Sweetie 4’s¬†arrest. ¬†She was apprehended at school today. Once again, Sweetie 4 has found herself in the middle of turmoil, drama and incarceration. We are at a loss for words. ¬†The¬†only thing¬†a parent can do if a child is dead set on destruction, is cry out… (more…)

Keeping Your Feet On The Ground…. When Everything Is In The Air!

Sweetie 4 is continuing her spiral downward once again. ¬†It is so very hard to watch. ¬†And it is something completely out of our control. ¬†The choices she continues to make, may land her back into juvenile detention for awhile. But you know what? ¬†We are at peace with how we are trying to guide and help her. ¬†As her… (more…)

FACING FEAR

So last night, when Sweetie 4 came home from school, I let her know that her paperwork arrived from the doctor. He approved her to try out for track and field!¬† She has been looking forward to this for weeks, and has been asking and asking,”When is he going to send the letter?” It came. Her reaction was just as… (more…)

Sweetie 4 Turned 15!!

Our 4 year anniversary is quickly coming up (March 2nd) and Sweetie 4 has turned 15!¬† She is far from the little girl we picked up in North Carolina 4 years ago!¬† So much has happened! She is growing up!!! Her bio sister and brother in law came down and surprised her for her birthday. It was really fun! I… (more…)

FITTING IN AND LOVING IT

As you all know, Sweeties 1, 2 and 4 are in Public school now, and Sweetie 3 is home schooling and doing dual college credit classes at our local Jr. College. Everybody is doing really great! Sweetie 4 however, does have anxiety over doing well at school. She is a bit of a perfectionist so I hear things like, ”… (more…)

Being A Team: Working Things Out

Some of you have been reading my posts for many years, some of you are new.¬† If you are an old reader, thank you for reading! If you are¬† new reader, Welcome!!! I used to blog in a family blog setting with names and pictures, but the girls are older now, and there were a few creeps along the way,… (more…)

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Part 2

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Part 2 ¬†originally written in 2009 I was talking with somebody the other day, and over the last few months, more than one person…. about BCLC and how it works.¬† There are so many mis understandings about it, and I think maybe clarifying would be very helpful for those trying to put… (more…)

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control originally written March 2009 I have had many conversations over the last couple of years about the approach we use with our children. It wasn’t until after a post yesterday that I actually understood where the confusion comes from when folks don’t quite understand. I don’t think the approach is really that… (more…)

Understanding The Severely Neglected Child

Understanding The ¬†Severely Neglected Child All of our girls suffered terrible neglect, some longer than others, but two of them in particular developed survival skills that were entrenched in their little souls to the point that it seemed they were clutching those survival skills ¬†with all their might, terrified for any changes to be made. ¬†While they both wanted to… (more…)

So Many Things We Are Learning!

The last couple of weeks have been a time of learning and pain.¬† Our Sweetie 4, has been suffering through some turmoil.¬† There have been times these last two weeks where we have changed the scenery more than once a day!¬†¬† Our last post placement report was completed, and she was thrilled about that. However, she has been struggling in… (more…)

Reflections On 3 Years 2 Months 23 Days and More…

Today our sweet social worker came over for our very last post placement report to Russia.¬† She has been doing our post placement reports and home studies since 2003. When we found out about our fourth daughter, Sweetie 4,¬† three and a half¬† years ago, we talked with our social worker on the phone, and the overall conversation was good,… (more…)

Peering Over The Edge

Peering Over The Edge ¬†originally written in May 2013 In my last post,I wrote about why traumatized children cling to chaos.¬† Today, I’d like to write a little bit more about our experience this past week.¬† It was a journey into chaos and the journey back out.¬† Please join me. ūüôā As many who read my blog know, our newest… (more…)

Focusing on Relationship

I wanted to write a little bit about focusing on relationship and not behavior. This is one of the hardest things to explain, especially to hurting parents. Questions might be, “Do you mean you want me to reward bad behavior?” Of course not. But there is a cycle we can get stuck in, and as the adult, you can either… (more…)

A Picture of Grace Based Parenting Part 1

A Picture of Grace Based Parenting Part 1 Originally written April 2013 Miss Sweetie 4 has been doing so awesome…. Every time,¬† when it has been a long time since any kind of meltdown or disobedience, I forget that she is still very newly home.¬† When I am reminded, like last night, I run the equation in my head.¬† She… (more…)

Turning a Failure Into A Success! OR The Bathroom Floor SAGA….

Turning a Failure Into A Success! OR The Bathroom Floor SAGA…. originally written February 2013 It was just today that I read part of a devotional by Sally Clarkson where she talked about praying in her room, spending time with the Lord and then came out to see her boys having a pillow fight by some precious keepsakes.¬† She asked,… (more…)

On Being A Mother To Formerly Traumatized Children

On Being A Mother To Formerly Traumatized Children originally written January 2013 ¬†Today, Sweetie 4 and I went for a drive. I needed to take her with me to do a “parts run” for Mike.¬† It was a 2 hour diversion. I didn’t think it would be good to leave her home for that long without me there. She is… (more…)

The Fingernail Polish on the Couch Post

Yep…. You read it right. There is fingernail polish on the couch; the one we haven’t even finished paying for couch. Right now, I’m going to do research to see how to remove it carefully.¬† But honestly, I’m afraid to try.¬† I don’t want to make it worse. The good news is, we didn’t get angry.¬† Kids are more important… (more…)

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