Category Archives: Grace Based Parenting

What Does Connection Look Like?

What does connection look like after your children have not left well? In today’s society it is so much easier than it would have been a long time ago. Remaining connected to our children who are outside of our home is vital. Obviously, there must be a connected relationship already established. I am so thankful that over the years, our… (more…)

They Know….

How many times do we go to bed saddened by the events of the day, feeling as though we have not connected? I remember reading a very old book on parenting written in the late 1800’s. One of the things that I picked up from this book (which was not written for traumatized children) was that this man understood that… (more…)

Blending Back Into Normal Life with some tweaks….

When Sweetie got her job at the pizza place we told her that she might have a hard time with impatient customers, mistakes made and a boss who yells. Her bosses culture is different from us, and yelling is a first resort. :/ She has done well working since before she got out; while on furlough. But last week, there… (more…)

Staying Connected Staying Safe

When parents adopt a child, they responsibly contemplate all sorts of scenarios and difficulties, and prepare to help their new child adjust to family life. There are classes to prepare, all sorts of seminars and books to read. Some parents may already have experience with other adoptions both domestic and international as we did. In fact, we had adopted domesetically… (more…)

A New Day-A New Chapter

I have to say the last few days have been soul searching, as we were writing back and forth with Sweetie’s counselor, and discussing future ideas with our social worker, and then visiting Sweetie at the center. We could feel the prayers of the Saints who pray for us daily and we are so thankful. I visited Sweetie 4 on… (more…)

An Aha Moment again…..

Over the last several years, we have been learning more and more about what abuse and neglect does to the brain. It changes it. I have written long ago about chaos being normal and normal seeming like chaos to the newly adopted child, and that IS true. It is our job as parents to flip that around and help them… (more…)

A Mountain Moving Experience

It has been a while since I wrote an update. So much has happened and oh my goodness! MOUNTAINS HAVE BEEN MOVED! What does that mean? “Mountains have been moved?” It means what seemed IMPOSSIBLE…. Happened. 🙂 As many of you know, Sweetie 4 has been home 5 years and 4 months and 20 days; not that I am counting.… (more…)

“To Be Continued”

Many of you know that for the last year and a half, we have had a very difficult time with Sweetie 4 and more recently with Sweetie 1. Struggles in life will happen.  As a dear friend said, “If it’s your turn to have tribulation, then tribulate!” 🙂 We have been soul searching our hearts over these two sweet hearts.  … (more…)

Processing The Weekend

This week was wonderful and sad.  It was full of joy and full of heartache.  Isn’t that just like real life?  We don’t all live in fairy tale land where everything is perfectly wrapped up each and every holiday with a nice little ribbon.  We live real. 🙂  And REAL is what matters in life. The great things about the… (more…)

Trauma and Holidays

Originally written in November 2011 with addendum 2015 I have written about our children’s internal clock, and how Holidays can wreak havoc on a child who has suffered much in life. We are not strangers to Trauma, or Anniversaries.   Those anniversaries are usually not positive!  They bring back memories and our children suffer so. Over the years, I have found… (more…)

So There Is This Boy…. :)

The Sweeties are getting older.  Sometimes I miss the days of this:    But these days are precious too….They are just the beginning of more change. 🙂 AND CHANGE THERE HAS BEEN…. There are now “Homecoming Dances” and respectful requests to talk to “Dad”….. And pictures with good friends And special friends….. Daddy is still very special…. 🙂 And he still… (more…)

Stretching and More Stretching

The girls entered College, High School and Jr. High this year.  It is a year of stretching and learning for all of us.  It is good! Some of the new social settings have been a little shocking. We were pretty “protected” in our little cocoon of love, and the girls have been exposed to some realities that are out there.… (more…)

Sweetie’s Choice

Many years ago, when Sweetie 4 was 7, she was removed from her tiny village, along with her brothers and sister and placed in an orphanage. She said that was the first car ride she ever remembered. Sweetie had a very tumultuous life, but she didn’t really know that, because it was all she knew.  There was a serenity about… (more…)

NEW BOOK by Dr. Daniel Siegel

The new book is out, and it is fantastic!  The title is “No-Drama Discipline”. This book puts together in practical form that anybody can understand the concepts of relationship based, trust based parenting! I pre ordered it a while ago and it arrived today. I cannot put it down! My husband is reading it too. If you buy any books… (more…)

FITTING IN AND LOVING IT

As you all know, Sweeties 1, 2 and 4 are in Public school now, and Sweetie 3 is home schooling and doing dual college credit classes at our local Jr. College. Everybody is doing really great! Sweetie 4 however, does have anxiety over doing well at school. She is a bit of a perfectionist so I hear things like, ”… (more…)

What Is Working!!!

I  wrote here about some ideas we have had and how we have used them in our family. Today, I’d like to write an update on that, and how things are going! We have had a LOT of changes in our family, especially within the last month!  Three of our girls are now in Public School and 1 is homeschooling… (more…)

Being A Team: Working Things Out

Some of you have been reading my posts for many years, some of you are new.  If you are an old reader, thank you for reading! If you are  new reader, Welcome!!! I used to blog in a family blog setting with names and pictures, but the girls are older now, and there were a few creeps along the way,… (more…)

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Part 2

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Part 2  originally written in 2009 I was talking with somebody the other day, and over the last few months, more than one person…. about BCLC and how it works.  There are so many mis understandings about it, and I think maybe clarifying would be very helpful for those trying to put… (more…)

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control originally written March 2009 I have had many conversations over the last couple of years about the approach we use with our children. It wasn’t until after a post yesterday that I actually understood where the confusion comes from when folks don’t quite understand. I don’t think the approach is really that… (more…)

Reflecting

I was reading an article where a child had been adopted to replace a child who had died.  The thought of that makes me cringe. No person can replace another person.    And it is of utmost importance that we as parents don’t make decisions towards adoption if we are thinking a new child will replace somebody we lost. As I… (more…)

Understanding The Severely Neglected Child

Understanding The  Severely Neglected Child All of our girls suffered terrible neglect, some longer than others, but two of them in particular developed survival skills that were entrenched in their little souls to the point that it seemed they were clutching those survival skills  with all their might, terrified for any changes to be made.  While they both wanted to… (more…)

Residual Fears

Today I took Miss Sweetie 4  grocery shopping with me. When we were finished putting the groceries in the car, I asked  her to put the basket in the basket area and I’d drive over and meet her there. I pulled up and she was all smiles getting into the car. That smile reminded me of the first time I… (more…)

A SPANKING Post

I don’t usually write about this topic.  But today, I felt compelled to. I have been wanting to write a post regarding a behavior that a majority of families in the U.S. practice.  In fact, within the church it is RARE to find a family who does not use Spanking as a tool to deter unwanted behaviors in our children.… (more…)

Peering Over The Edge

Peering Over The Edge  originally written in May 2013 In my last post,I wrote about why traumatized children cling to chaos.  Today, I’d like to write a little bit more about our experience this past week.  It was a journey into chaos and the journey back out.  Please join me. 🙂 As many who read my blog know, our newest… (more…)

Focusing on Relationship

I wanted to write a little bit about focusing on relationship and not behavior. This is one of the hardest things to explain, especially to hurting parents. Questions might be, “Do you mean you want me to reward bad behavior?” Of course not. But there is a cycle we can get stuck in, and as the adult, you can either… (more…)

Playfulness

I think sometimes one of the harder aspects of parenting is having the energy to play with our children, especially children who have trauma backgrounds. Time spent  with them can be taxing and exhausting, causing us to be weary and too tired to play! But one of the huge benefits of playfulness with our children, is it brings about connection,… (more…)

THOUGHTS ABOUT FASD

My daughter was in her high school health class, and the teacher asked “Does anybody know what FAS stands for?” My daughter raised her hand and answered, “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome”. The teacher asked her how she knew. Her answer was, “I heard it from my family.” We were hearing about this at breakfast this a.m. She then very humorously asked,… (more…)

Grief Revisited

Grief Revisited Originally written April 2014 Grief is a process that sometimes comes in waves.  You will be doing just fine and then it hits you once again.  You had a tragedy in your family long ago, or more recently.  Suddenly, grief is upon you and the emotions are there once again because there is something new to process and… (more…)

Keeping Short Accounts

Keeping Short Accounts originally written April 2013 Have you ever heard the saying, “Keep Short Accounts”? Many times it is used in reference to marriage.  Don’t hold grudges or keep lists of the wrongs or seeming wrongs your spouse has committed towards you. It is the same with our children, especially children who have come from hard places, or trauma… (more…)

A Picture of Grace Based Parenting Part 1

A Picture of Grace Based Parenting Part 1 Originally written April 2013 Miss Sweetie 4 has been doing so awesome…. Every time,  when it has been a long time since any kind of meltdown or disobedience, I forget that she is still very newly home.  When I am reminded, like last night, I run the equation in my head.  She… (more…)

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