Category Archives: Parenting Tools

So How Long Do You Do BCLC?

HOW LONG DO YOU DO BCLC? originally written May 2012 Somebody asked, “How long do you have to do BCLC, before you can parent “Normally”? That is a VERY good question! I think what this person is asking is, “When can I show displeasure or anger at my child’s behavior as I have done with my biological children and not… (more…)

Discernment, Truth and Judgment

I have written about discernment on my blog a few times, but mostly about teaching our children to be discerning, regarding what they read or what they listen to. Today, I’d like to write about our own discernment. Discernment means: from the “free dictionary”:The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment. 2. Keenness of insight and judgment.… (more…)

Escalating and Deescalating

I was asked by a new reader to write about how we have handled aggression in our home when it has occurred. First off, let me say that every child is different, and the reasons for the violence or aggression will be as individual as the child. One thing is for sure though; children who have suffered trauma, be that… (more…)

A Quote That I Quite Like!

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of being.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe My friend Debbie posted this and there is so much truth in it, I had to post it. I am reminded that we need to speak life into our children.  Don’t focus on the… (more…)

Problems or Solutions?

When we are working through adjustments with our children, how we view the task at hand can be a deciding factor in our success! Are we blinded by all of the problems, focusing in on the negative ?  Or do we see those problems as stepping stones towards something beautiful  while seeking a positive solution? In the midst of storms… (more…)

Memory Making

Making memories together is a great way to help our children form stronger bonds of attachment with their new family. For a child newly home, the only memories they have of this year’s Holiday Celebrations , are LAST years, and those memories won’t be with your family, and can be quite traumatic. The good news is, that if we work… (more…)

Tools For Coping Part 2

I wrote yesterday about tools for coping…. Today I will add to our tool box! When the sweeties were little, I created a “tool box” for them. They would take their hand up to the forehead and open their head. We’d put tools in there…. We chose: 1. The tell the truth tool! 2. The kindness tool! 3. The listen… (more…)

Tools For Coping

I wrote in my last post that I was going to discuss different tools that have helped our children cope behaviors that are most likely due to past trauma and neglect. 1. Permission to have a quiet place. Holidays can be very stressful and fearful for some children.  They may be masking it on the outside really well, but underneath… (more…)

Memories and The Sense of Smell

Today, Sweetie 4 and I went grocery shopping at Sprouts Super Market.  They have this little area for tasting coffee.  They had a flavored coffee “Texas Pecan”, and I wanted to just taste it.  So I did. INSTANTLY, and I DO MEAN INSTANTLY, a memory popped into my head from 25 years ago! My memory  was of Mike and I… (more…)

Refreshing

Our Support Group is going to go through Karyn Purvis’s book, “The Connected Child” once again.  I have been through this book 4 times now, and I am amazed at how much I glean from reading, every time! The First Chapter was perfect for this week. Sweetie 4 has been bouncing back and forth between old trauma behaviors and everyday,… (more…)

Simple Ways To Change Scenery

I have written before about “Changing the Scenery” when a child gets stuck. Have you ever been in a situation where no matter what you tried: reasoning, rocking, talking, trying to soothe, saying you may not… didn’t work at all? I have.  And it can be frustrating! You are keeping calm, doing all the things you have learned to do,… (more…)

Making Memories

In my last post I mentioned how Holidays can cause stress reactions in our children who have trauma backgrounds. We have found that one of the ways to reduce that stress is to plan for things that  the children can count on happening year after year. Simple things like getting the tree down at the same time each year, watching… (more…)

Happy Thanksgiving!

As many of you know, Thanksgiving and holidays in general can wreak havoc on the stability in your homes.  Out of the ordinary experiences can cause children who have trauma backgrounds to be dysregulated.  We have had holiday times where we wondered if we should celebrate as it seemed to cause our children stress. Those many years ago, we decided… (more…)

Tell Them They Are Precious

One of the things that we have found with our own children, when they have come into our family, is that they have no idea how precious they are. Instead, because of rejection, in some cases multiple rejections, neglect, and abuse, the idea of being precious didn’t even enter their minds. Instead, they saw themselves as unwanted, unlovable, ugly, and… (more…)

What If They Don’t Respond

I was talking to a couple of folks yesterday about children who have great shame and do not respond well to the slightest of correction.  It will send them into rages. I cannot stress enough how this behavior is a STRONG FEAR based and SHAME based behavior. They are unable to receive correction, because they tie their value and worth… (more…)

The Art of Discipline Part 9: Pursuing Relationship

The Art of Discipline Part 9: Pursuing Relationship originally written: October 2012 I was meeting with a dear friend today, talking about discipline and the many facets the very WORD imply. As I have said many times over the years.  To discipline our children, is to DISCIPLE our children; to come along side, to teach, to instruct…. As we were… (more…)

The Art of Discipline Part 6: Reflections on Parenting the Wounded Child

The Art of Discipline Part 6: Reflections on Parenting the Wounded Child originally written October 2012 “My child cannot trust.”  “My child has RAD”.   “My child has PTSD.” (Sweetie 3’s picture from the lake) The answer?  LOVE. This will make some angry.  WHY?  Because when you are in the process of helping a hurting child it is HARD.  You begin… (more…)

The Art of Discipline part 5: Authority

What does AUTHORITY look like in your home?  Is it domineering?  Is it completely missing? Authority structures are very important! Whether you are a single parent or are in a family with two parents, you must be the authority in your home.  The children should not be the ones in control. A child in control, is an out of control… (more…)

The Art of Discipline part 4: Communication

Today I’d like to bring up the importance of communication  between a parent and child.  Communication has everything to do with disciplining a child.  It has everything to do with discipleship and relationship. Communication is one of the most basic tools we have in order to relate to another person. When a child cannot communicate, the result can be very… (more…)

The Art of Discipline part 3: Correction

The Art Of Discipline part 3 Correction originally written September 2012 In the third part of writing about discipline, I wanted to talk about correction.  EVERY child, no matter how wonderful needs to be corrected. And I have never met a child who WANTS to be corrected.  But those teaching moments are the job of every parent to carry out… (more…)

The Art of Discipline part 2: Role Play

The Art of Discipline part 2: Role Play Originally written September 2012 Yesterday, I wrote part one of this series.   I want to cover several areas of discipline and what it looks like in our home. Today, I want to write to you about ROLE PLAY.    I have written numerous articles on the importance of role play. Role play is… (more…)

The Art of Discipline part 1

The Art of Discipline Part 1 originally written September 2012 Teaching our children, instructing , discipling  and encouraging them are all part of the Art of Discipline. As Parents, it is THE biggest thing we will do to influence the next generation.  We are the gatekeepers of the future!  It is a HUGE responsibility to bring up our little ones… (more…)

Saying “I’m Sorry” A Wonderful Tool!

Did you know that one of the most important things you can do for your child, is to own your own mistakes?  Admitting mistakes or wrongs will not make us appear to be weak, it will actually reflect that we  human, flawed and broken, just like our children. There is never a question of “If ” we are going to… (more…)

Walking Through A Re-Do…

I would like to walk you through an actual re-do.  This happened in our home today, so it is still fresh on my mind. We have been having a really wonderful season of peacefulness.  But Sweetie 4 began to stress about her brother.  He does not live in our home. Sweetie 4 came to us after a disruption. She has… (more…)

Let’s Try That Again….

One of the things we have been working really hard on, is trying again. Have you ever heard the phrase; “If you don’t succeed, try, try again?” It is a great phrase for our kids! 🙂 But…. Add to that phrase, “If you don’t succeed, try, try again, this time with respect!” 🙂 Do Overs are a great way to… (more…)

Ten Steps Forward

I always say, “When our children take 3 steps back, STAY THE COUSE, because they are getting ready catapult TEN steps forward!” This is where we are right now with Sweetie 4. Sweetie 4 has been home with us for 2 years and 7 months. We are about to celebrate our THIRD Thanksgiving together; our THIRD Christmas together and our… (more…)

Listening To Trauma

I am so thankful for our Mom Dad and Me books.  They have been vital, especially for Sweetie 4 as she continues to process and work through understanding relationships. We have been having such wonderful days and nights, connecting and just functioning as a family. That is always a time to be on the look out, because just as wonderful… (more…)

When Do Overs Become Natural

Originally written in August 2013   Last week, we started back to school for 2 hours each day, to continue to catch up.  Miss Sweetie 4 has done well with her schedule! Summer time is very much non scheduled around here, but I do see a need for a skeleton schedule just to make things work better! Something though that… (more…)

Mom Dad And Me Books Parts 1 and 2

Mom, Dad and Me Books originally written in 2011 The other day I was thinking about what an important job it is to communicate with my girls.  Sometimes they don’t ask things, because they don’t want somebody else to hear their question, or they are too shy. I remember longing to talk with somebody when I was a young teen.… (more…)

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