A Precious Moment

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Computer generated image – Search For Solution

Today was Sweetie 4’s ARD meeting at the detention center.  She didn’t have a very good visit on Sunday with Mike and I was worried that today wouldn’t be a good time either.
BUT… the unexpected happened!
I was able to go into the room with the other members of the ARD team and she was there, and NOT behind glass!

I walked up to her and offered her a hug. She looked at the officer who nodded that it was ok.  We embraced and then we started the meeting.
I took her hand and she let me hold her hand for nearly 2 hours, as we met.
I kept my composure as we talked about the findings of her testing, and the ideas of how to best meet her needs.

Swarming through my mind was, “Why oh WHY can she not just be normal at home like this moment; the moment when all eyes are upon us.  Why oh WHY, can such a sweet girl be so violent?
WHY?
I am the same person there, as I am at home.   Mike is the same person
at the center as he is at home. The other girls, Sweetie’s 1, 2 and 3 are the same people they are at home as they are anywhere else; but Sweetie 4 isn’t.
She just isn’t.
Why is it that at home she is violent and regularly curses the worst of things at us?    She is that way with us during visitation, but if others are around, she is a sweetheart.
Today, she was a sweetheart.
She got glowing reports from her teachers.
My heart beams that she is doing well in detention, but is crushed that she can’t seem to cross that bridge to replicate it at home.

Intellectually I know the answer to this.  But emotionally it is very hard to accept.
This is a raw post.  But it is where we are.  It is where I am right now.
I know the Lord has this, but I feel weary; so very weary.

Big court is going to happen soon. We were served the papers yesterday.  It is just an unknown what will happen.  We are in agreement with probation, but there is an attorney that might have a differing opinion.
So, we are up in the air until the time comes and I am having to come to terms with the unknown, and that there are those out there, whom we do NOT know who have opinions of where OUR child should be, and they don’t really know any of us.
It is most uncomfortable.

There is a process going on, and we are beginning to learn and understand it.  But it is a cold, hard process.  It doesn’t care about us, or her.  It is law.
That is it.

So, I will cherish the last moments we had today, holding hands and embracing.  And on the 30th, we will learn Sweetie’s future….. for awhile anyway.


 

11 Responses to A Precious Moment

  1. MamaV says:

    Prayers for you!

  2. ChristieM says:

    Thank you.
    One thing I did notice was any physical touch was initiated by me.
    I don’t know if this is because she was nervous, and I also don’t know if she allowed it to happen because there were other people there. So I will accept that it happened and cherish the moment.
    But in the back of my mind, there is a check there, that it was all me and she didn’t really care if we touched or didn’t touch. 🙁

  3. Jean says:

    *HUGS*
    Thinking and praying for y’all every day. I’m so sorry this is hard. I’m praying that you feel God’s presence in a tangible way during the next couple of weeks.

  4. Mereto says:

    I’m praying for you too. The weariness. A reminder of what you already know: that you might as well pray for God’s will, since God’s will occurs no matter what we pray for.

    Your insight in a previous post (about the detention center providing a mixture of structure & chaos which gives Sweetie 4 a measure of equilibrium) really struck me as on the mark. Perhaps your home truly became “home” for her, but since her original notion of “home” was so profoundly violent and chaotic, she has to single-handedly recreate that violence and chaos. Without it she has no home. The violent and chaotic home is the backdrop upon which she defines herself. Not consciously of course.

    I am so sorry for your grief, and for the doubt about whether your touch mattered. I think we can only show up in love, as best we can. I think it mattered. It mattered to me.

  5. Jenny says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and so admire your heart and courage! I’m so sorry this is such a difficult time right now. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers! Also praying for healing for Sweetie 4!!!

  6. ChristieM says:

    Thank you all for your comments. They mean a lot to us.
    I do want to clarify that the process and the law are what I am talking about not caring. There are many kind individuals within the system that certainly do care. I met some of them yesterday.
    And have met many over the last several months.
    And I am thankful for them.
    I have this silly fish on my wall that sings “Don’t worry be happy.” 🙂 In the verse to that song it says “Every life will have some trouble, when you worry you make it double”….
    I need to remember that.
    Thank you Silly fish! 🙂
    I actually love my fish. 🙂
    Being reminded daily to trust the Lord and not try to understand things. God is truly in control.
    Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it.
    Someday that tapestry will be completed and it will all make sense. But that is another post. 🙂

  7. Melin says:

    Hey Christie,

    If you felt any other way I would think you were weird. This is so outside most people’s comfort zone. Rather, it is so off your radar . A world you knew nothing about. A world you still don’t want to know anything about. All this vernacular and process unique to , I don’t know ? Troubled children? Is she now what they refer to as a deliquent?

    As a homeschooler you have always been game to learn new things, explore, think outside of the box. But this is 180 degrees different. I’m so sorry. I can read through the lines and see that each visit, each interaction with legal staff is like another arrow shot in to your heart. The whole thing is just wrong. Not you, not dd – just the the whole situation.

    So of course you are angry and you are better off expressing it because as you know, anger turned inward is aka depression.
    It’s a righteous anger. I realize that your dd certainly has been robbed the most but you are my friend and so it is for you right now that I grieve. There is some saving grace to her age, per se. She doesn’t have the sophistication to see how badly she screwed up. I mean, to comprehend it to the depth we do.

    I hear how much pain your in. I know it is not every second or anyting like that. But it is a heavy, wet, cold blanket and a ton of bricks on your head and crow bar inside your heart. It’s a hard pill to swallow when all you want to do is love on her and be part of helping her become the best version of herself. And all the while she sabotages herself. UGH.

    I totally feel your pain when you mention ppl who don’t know a thing about you or your family, making decisions for your dd whom they also don’t *really know. Sometimes these decision makers are like 24 year old kids themselves. There are a lot of things that might send me over the edge but this part – ppl involved in my life who know nothing about me – ppl who will lose no sleep over making the right or wrong decision about the trajectory of my family’s life – that would make my blood boil. Yes, most ppl are good and kind but you just don’t have the margin to deal with the outside chance somebody is a jerk.

    Kind of off topic but I am wondering. Do you find she swears and curses and then escalates or vica versa or no pattern whatsoever? Is it language she picked up at school? Would you even consider homeschooling her again or is that a recipe for diaster. So hard to know.

    Be blessed. I will pray for a miracle.

    • ChristieM says:

      She learned the language at school. We are not allowed to home school her. I would try, but I honestly don’t know that it would work at this point. Pandora’s box has been opened.

  8. H says:

    I’m praying hard that someday your wonderful “Sweetie 4” can stand up and testify, this is where I was, this is where I am now, this is how God saved me. I want to be a foster/adoptive parent one day and the way you are on your girls’ sides no matter what really inspires me.

  9. Melin says:

    Wow – so even some of your fundamental rights have been stripped away. (homeschooling).

    That said, of course I can understand the potentially huge problems with homeschooling, right now.

    It’s just sad.

  10. Nancy says:

    Catching up on my reading . . .
    I know more has happened since you wrote this post, but I sense your pain & grief the most here. I am so sorry you are hurting so – how could you not be? The analogy to Pandora’s box is spot on, I know you know things have gone far enough that you simply must let the process play out. 🙁 As you said, having strangers in charge of what happens in your life is scary . . .but to some degree we adoptive parents have been there, done that. It is a scary place to be – I remember the feeling all too well. I’m glad there are caring people involved in your situation – that is no mere coincidence! 🙂 I will continue to pray for the best possible outcome for all of you.
    I’m offering you all of the love, comfort and support I can send through the internet. 🙂

Comments warmly welcomed!

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