Defeating Shame

Defeating SHAME  written in 2011

Another BCLC Moment, brought to you……. 🙂

Sweetie 2 and 4  Skating by the Shoppe 🙂
If you understand the concepts behind BCLC (Beyond Consequences Logic and Control) you will know that being in a place of  FEAR_brings about  shame.  A child  can get angry or sullen or shut down.  They may act angry or say something short and stomp off or not accept an apology from a sibling.  And then, they are overcome by SHAME, because it is very obvious they FAILED…… and for some children, who are not secure, not safe, and have not practiced using their life tools enough, FAILURE is inevitable and therefore SHAME overpowers them.

We have seen a few stomp offs to the room to pout. (aka shut down)  And as we are getting to understand each other better and read body language better, it was obvious that our sweetie was not angry, but she was ashamed of herself.  She had not controlled herself like she COULD have, and in turn became defensive and hurt refused to accept an apology…..

The look on her face was Scared, Worried and Ashamed….. I walked into the room and saw a sweet sweet child contemplating her future as she lay on the bed…..There were no tears, because she has had to remain strong throughout her ENTIRE life.
(there is much to say about this later, not now)

A child who is laying on a bed and not crying in sorrow, is typically seen as rebellious, or defiant…..
She was neither.

I asked her if I could lay next to her and actually got a yes….. 🙂 Horray!
I told her she didn’t have to say anything, but could she just shake her head yes or no? She said Yes, with a head shake…. 🙂

Are you worried? yes
Are you angry? no
Are you sad? yes
Do you feel sad that you didn’t accept an apology? yes
Do you want to make things better? yes
Are you worried about whether you get to stay? yes
Do you think we might send you away? yes

This is a little girl who was laying there determining her future all by herself, wondering if yet again she would get sent away….. My heart broke for her.

So I talked to her about normal families….. What is a NORMAL family?  People are human, just like you! They get bossy, just like you! They get sad, mad, happy, joyful, just like you!
And when they don’t agree, they apologize and forgive! They don’t worry about leaving their family!
They are SAFE!
Safe is an important word around here.  Safe means exactly that, SAFE! SAFE to FEEL, SAFE to be HONEST, SAFE to LOVE, SAFE to be angry….BUT….. ALSO: SAFE TO BE VULNERABLE, SAFE TO BE HUMBLE, SAFE TO BE LOVING, SAFE TO BE FORGIVING!  You will NOT be REJECTED!

Why am I typing in all Caps! Because I am so HAPPY! I am happy to  tell you that our little sweetie responded so very well to that. She responded with tears and hugs and as I told her that she was safe and secure and didn’t need to be ashamed, she latched on and said, “I love you mommy”, over and over again.  And then came the “I love my sisters, I love daddy, I love ……”  🙂

And then, she said, “You are bossy too!” I said, yes, “sometimes I am..”..  She said, “what is bossy?”  I told her it is when you try to tell others what to do in a way that isn’t as polite as you could be!  She got this shocked look and said, “Oh, you are not bossy!”  LOL  I said, actually sometimes I am….but I do try not to be.
We both had a good laugh.

She is starting to understand the concept of permanence and real functional family, yet she has just been here a month.  I’m sure it will be more real to her in a a year, or two years or 5 years….. right now, it is a new concept. And just like learning a new math concept, for me anyway, it is learn, repeat, repeat, repeat until I get it. I never get it the first time. 🙂

While we were on the bed, I asked her if she would repeat these words before we got up:
“I am loved! I DESERVE to be loved!  The first part was easier than the second part.  When she got through the second part, there were little tears. But they were not tears of sorrow, but of relief, peace and joy.
I also made sure she understood that her standing in the family was that she was a vital part of family, just as if she had always been here. I let her know, she is just as important and loved as all 8 of our children.  Just because she is the newest, doesn’t mean she isn’t just as valuable as everybody else.
She is, and mommy and daddy will do our VERY best to be FAIR and LOVING!  Her ideas and opinion DO matter…. 🙂

When we were finished with our talk, I suggested that she apologize for hurting another little girlies feelings…. by not forgiving.  She got up and went right to task!  And we had a wonderful evening last night…. (We actually have had a great week)
I am so proud of my brave girl!  I cannot imagine having to relearn everything you thought was true about yourself.
The things she thought about herself were so sad…. and now, when I say, “You are smart, you are sweet, you are lovely, you are beautiful, you are nice, you are loving, you are kind, you are amazing!
Instead of a shrug, she smiles. 🙂

Comments warmly welcomed!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers:

%d bloggers like this: