Tomorrow, just one more day, and Sweetie 4 will walk out the doors of the detention center into a new life.
But it won’t be a new life with a different family. It will a different life with THIS family. HER family.
I cannot express how closely we felt the despair of the possibility that she would not return home. There was the possibility that she would NOT be able to function within the guidelines of a family and her rejection of us as her family was palpable for a long time.
All of the teaching and training on fear started to fade away as we couldn’t see her behaviors were fear driven anymore. She was angry. VERY angry. She wasn’t angry at us in particular. She was angry at the life she had been given, and she was angry with God. She was angry with her past families and she was angry that we were still there to love her. Logically we know that anger is because of fear. But it sure didn’t look like fear.
“WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?” “WHY DO YOU VISIT ME?”
She did everything she could to sabotage a good visit after the fact. She did everything she could to hide and not face herself, her behaviors, her pain, her past. Had she not been in the facility she was in where she couldn’t leave, I do not think we would be where we are today.
As a family, we have had every semblance of normalcy removed, every stone turned over, every pain exposed, every thought, every word…. everything.
It was like dumping out a drawer onto the floor and then picking up the pieces and reorganizing it, throwing out the trash, finding great treasures you didn’t know were there and then putting it all back together again.
Things are different, but one thing has never changed. LOVE NEVER FAILS. Seeking the wisdom of God and throwing ourselves at the feet of our Savior for strength and comfort has been vital.
HE has walked us through and has been ever faithful when we were full of doubt and despair.
In my prayers: “Was THIS your PLAN??”
“Yes my daughter.”
It takes me to one of my favorite books, “Hinds Feet on High Places”. Much Afraid wants to go to the High Places to be with the great shepherd. He takes her to the path and gives her two friends, Sorrow and Suffering. And she is like, “Really?”
Yes, sorrow and suffering can be our friend. They cause us to cleave to the one who can make all things right. And the allegory works for all of us. We were ALL afraid.
I have written long ago about adoption dissolution and stated clearly that it is not a thought we should have. We have adopted 2 of our sweeties because of disruption, Sweetie 4 being disrupted twice, so we are her THIRD set of adoptive parents.
While we believe she is RIGHT WHERE SHE BELONGS, without question, it does not mean the process of her getting here was ok.
The pain that has come out in the last couple of years due to rejection has been intense. Was she an easy kid? NO. Most definitely NOT and honestly I can see why disruption occurred. Things were HARD.
There were times when we felt she was not going to be safe to return home. We had other Sweetie’s to think about as well as grand children and adult children who need us to stick around a little longer.
So we were scrambling with ideas trying to figure out what to do.
And in figuring that out, the best thing to do was what was BEST for her!
We had to allow the thought that if she didn’t want to return home, we would not force it.
We would let her go, not in a disruption sense, but in a not returning home sense.
We would stay in contact, and do our best to be her parents.
It was such a scary thought.
She seemed SURE in her views that we were not her family and she didn’t want us.
It was fear. It was fear all the way, and she was trying her best to reject us before we rejected her.
And it became quite obvious when we gave her that option. “If you do not want to come home. We cannot make you. You are free to decide.” But if you DO come home, we cannot have dangerous behaviors. You decide.” All of this pain. All of the turmoil and anger were because trauma, abuse, neglect and rejection are acutely PAINFUL.
It took Sweetie 4 years to trust that we were not going to be next in the line of families that says, REJECT. “You are too hard!” “You are too broken!”
We want you! We have always wanted you! We want you to be happy and healthy. But we cannot force it.
Putting the decision onto her with GUIDED counseling and intense therapy, made her have to face herself and her future.
We are here. You have a loving family. We are the crazy people with these faces that will love you till the day we die. And that is it.
She HAS been hard. She HAS been broken. Those words cannot even describe. BUT God….
In HIS great mercy and grace….. delves into a HUGE dumped mess and straightens it out. He begins to root out the sin, the self doubt, the hurt, the pain, the blindness, and He doesn’t just root it out, he REPLACES it with the truth. He opens our eyes with the truth of the gospel. And as we lay our hearts bare before Him, we are without words. HIS plan, though it seems as it couldn’t possibly be right, is perfect in the end. We haven’t even seen the end, but we know that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it, both in her and in all of us.
I would never want to relive this past year and a half. But I would not trade the lessons learned though they are of great value.
Thank you so MUCH all of you who have held our family in your thoughts and prayers, visited us, cared for us, asked us how we were doing. It was vital.
Keep praying! 🙂
Tomorrow is a new day.
A new beginning.
And she will be HOME! Her home. Our daughter. The girl’s sister.