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Being Connected Being a Team


What does CONNECTED parenting looks like, when SAFETY is a HUGE problem.
First, we need to make sure that WE are not escalating situations by having expectations that are not realistic, (straight A’s, participating in things that overwhelm, expecting gratefulness, keeping rooms perfectly clean, etc)
and not shaming or consequencing our children to death with burdens too much for them to bear.
Keeping that in mind…..
When you are a connected parent, respond instead of react, have exhausted all, ALL measures of grace and you have a child who is bent on destruction both of themselves and family….
Let me ask, “Is it loving and connected to allow this to continue?”
I spoke to a sweet mama who’s son is about to turn 18. He has been allowed to rule the home for YEARS.
This poor mama has been abused by him for years. He is now unwilling to work or contribute in any way. He lays all day on the couch using drugs, playing games and taking….
Her heart is broken, thinking that if she lets him continue, someday it will stop.
No.
It was NEVER EVER her desire to see this happen and she now has the opinion that “all the kids are like this now”…..
NO.
So we talked a lot about connection last night, and the difference between connection and door mat.
There is NO connection in being a doormat. It only prepares for a path to further abuse, not only now, but in the future with other relationships.
Have you ever heard that how a man treats his mama is a good indication of how he will treat his wife? It is true…..
(of course there are givens… but it is pretty accurate)
So this post is NOT about the Newly adopted teen…Nor is it about the struggling teen who WANTS to do well.
This post is about that 10% teen that Dr. Purvis talks about.
Sometimes wounds can be so deep, or there are other types of damage so deep that basic connected parenting cannot reach them. THIS DOES NOT MEAN connected parenting is a fail! It just means that our parenting needs some extra scaffolding!

PLEASE PLEASE! If you read anything in this post…. read this!
DO NOT TRY TO DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. DO NOT KEEP FAMILY SECRETS. DO NOT ISOLATE!
DO….. NOT…..ISOLATE!
Instead, FORM a TEAM! Include your medical doctor, your school counselor, adoption social worker… LOOK HER UP IF YOU MUST, Your Pastor, Elder, family member friend and law enforcement, and any other person in your child’s life that contributes to their well being…
KEEP THEM IN THE LOOP.
Write to them every couple of weeks and give them updates of what you are doing with your child and how they are responding or not responding.
These must be TRUSTED people! Not gossips, not prone to judge….. But this circle of people is a must for your own sanity.

Computer generated image – Search For Solution


If you have connectedly exhausted all means over the years to help your child and violence begins to evolve in your home. Put a STOP TO IT….
A child who pushes the fences will continue to push the fence until it is too late. Do NOT wait until 18 years old to start to help your child, realizing at that point they are an adult and subject to adult laws.
It is OUR JOB to teach our children about acceptable behavior within society. These are basic general rules that govern all, whether they be mentally ill, traumatized, foster, bio, adopted, handicapped, it doesn’t matter! You MUST be able to live in society.
IF YOU CAN’T…. or WON’T…. society won’t tolerate your behaviors.
So, since family is a microcosm of society at large, helping our children understand this on a small scale will help them succeed later.
If your child is violent and having mental health issues which many of our children do, contact the non emergency police number and ask to speak with an officer regarding your child.
Send them a profile of your child as a SN child. Give them cues on how to deal with your child should they ever come into contact with them in order to keep things de escalated.
The police will APPRECIATE THIS.
And then, IF your child threatens your safety… CALL THEM.
CALL the police.
Let your child know CLEARLY that boundary cannot and may NEVER be crossed.
It is much better for your child to deal with a juvenile system than the adult system later.
It is complicated and very very scary to be involved in a world you never thought you would know, but it is truly for the best.
I am not suggesting if your child is flippant with you to call the police. I hope I have been clear about that. This is for the extreme child who does not respond…..
BUT….. THIS IS NOT THE END TO CONNECTED PARENTING…. THIS IS WHERE IT MIGHT JUST BEGIN for that 10% child!
STAY connected, show empathy, compassion, (do not bail out of jail) VISIT.
Let them take the responsibility for their actions.
Let them OWN them.
THIS IS NOT A CONSEQUENCE YOU have placed upon them but one they have placed upon themselves.
So if an arrest is made you can use your visitation time to set clear, concise boundaries. I will visit, but I will not be verbally abused. If verbal abuse occurs, walk out.
I will be kind and send letters and visit all I can.
And then, use those times, even if it is just a few weeks to truly work to communicate and establish with them what boundaries must never be crossed.
This just MIGHT save your child’s life. I know for a fact that it saved our sweetie…..
She remains connected with us to this day, though not living at home.
IF you do anything in your time with your child, make it known to them that they are deeply LOVED and cherished.
She has said she knows this very well.
After years of violence, her violence has ceased. There are no threats, no incidents, nothing. And I am truly thankful to the team of people we surrounded ourselves with to help us dig out of a very VERY deep and sad hole.
Sweetie has a long ways to go as far as many would “judge”…. but I can see the incredible progress she has made and I ‘m so proud of her.
I’m glad we didn’t wait until she was 18.

Comments warmly welcomed!

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