Let’s Try That Again….

One of the things we have been working really hard on, is trying again.
Have you ever heard the phrase; “If you don’t succeed, try, try again?”
It is a great phrase for our kids! 🙂

But…. Add to that phrase, “If you don’t succeed, try, try again, this time with respect!” 🙂

Do Overs are a great way to teach our children HOW to respond, when they don’t respond well.”Let’s try that again sweetie! This time use respect!”
Of course, if our children are going to learn to be respectful, we need to be respectful to them! We need to MIRROR to them, what we expect of them. And do overs for us, should be mirrored to them!

Sweetie 4, when she gets frustrated, can walk away and slam her bedroom door.
It doesn’t happen often, but once in a while, it still happens.
Her frustration level might go up, and the window of tolerance might go WAY down!

So, what do we do?  We try it again!

A situation happened just today.  Sweetie 4 had a HUGE week with LOADS of people and different challenges. She handled each of them VERY well!  Today, though, was Saturday, a day without too much routine.  She slept in…. and then, it was time to get her room cleaned.  This is NOT thrilling for her. 🙂
A moment of snottiness occurred and I could not let that go.
We should never, EVER tolerate or put up with disrespect! NEVER, EVER!
But how we confront it, is also VERY important!

I went into her room and said, “Mama is here…. use your words and tell me what you need! I’m listening to you!”
She told me what was the matter… and then I asked her to try it again.
“How can we do this properly sweetie?”
She DID it over, immediately!
And she followed up with an “I’m really sorry mama.”
YEA!
And the rest of the day was practically perfect. 🙂
Folks, there is hope and truth in parenting our children who have Trauma Backgrounds.
There are many ways to parent healthy kids and be successful.
The playing field is VERY NARROW for kids who come from tough backgrounds!

Sweetie’s window of tolerance opened up WIDE!   And I am so thankful that a simple do over; rewriting  onto Sweetie’s brain, proper ways to respond to stress, was successful!
This is real stuff!  And it works!

3 Responses to Let’s Try That Again….

  1. DawnZ says:

    I struggle with exactly HOW to do this one. I have a little one that is a door slammer, like your daughter. He will go into his room, mumbling under his breath, and slam the door. So what I should do, is go in there calmly and ask him what is going on? He often won’t answer. Then what? Then after he’s finished, I say, “Let’s try that again, this time with respect”? Is that correct? HELP. I’m trying to figure this out. I’m working hard on trying to do redo’s with my kids, but the problem is I’M lost! Lol! THANKS!! 🙂

  2. ChristieM says:

    The first thing I would ask is how old is he? I guess if he is old enough to walk to his room and slam the door, he is old enough to learn not to.
    Door slamming was a regular occurrence 2 years ago. Today it is rare.

    One of the key behaviors that many of our kids lack, is respect. They can get easily overwhelmed and go into fight or flight mode, which takes them back to behaviors that are unwanted.
    So the first thing we need to do is to create an environment that is loving and accepting where they are not afraid.
    (That could be actual fear of being punished, or generalized fear that comes out in anger, aggression, or shutting down, and yes, slamming doors.)

    We need to be very, very tender in how we speak to our kids, making sure our body language and voice are accepting and loving.
    They need to know that they are cherished, and that they are truly precious. A child who doesn’t see himself as precious, will have behaviors that reflect that.

    We want to be in tune with our child, connecting to them emotionally and cognitively.

    With that said, the first thing I would do, when your child is REGULATED is to tell him, “We are going to start over. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a home filled with respect and no door slamming?” So I am going to help you learn to succeed, because I’m sure you don’t like it when you fall apart and feel sad.

    Give clear, KIND instruction. From now on, when we are talking, if you get upset, you cannot just walk away. Walking away is disrespectful. I am going to try really hard to help you communicate so you don’t feel like you get to that point.
    But mommy isn’t perfect either, and sometimes I will mess up too.
    Did you know we ALL do things wrong? 🙂

    If your son walks away to his room…. next time, you can say, “Whoa Baby! Let’s try that again! What should we do if we need to be alone?
    (If you have gone over the rules, your son should say, “Ask if I can have some time?”
    GOOD Using your words sweetie!
    Then allow him to ask! And you can grant him time in his room, but I’d stay close by.
    When his time is up…. you can sit closely by and use a soft tone, “Sweetie, can you tell me what you need? Use your words sweetie, I’m listening!”
    Telling a child you are listening… you want to give them what they need is a good thing! They need to know this.
    Connecting with your child, takes time. If he is silent, you can be silent and wait, and even pray for him. Ask the Lord for insight!
    It may take some practice to get this down.
    When he uses his words, give him praise! This is a new skill he is learning and he deserves praise for making progress!
    HIGH FIVE! GOOD JOB!
    Make sure all needs are met and then go back to the door….. “Let’s shut the door properly this time. Good job!
    In our case, I used humor, “We really need to get the grand kids off of the floor and put them back onto the wall!” 🙂 (a picture had fallen)

    Redoing what was wrong, in the right way can create a pathway of learning so that eventually, the right way will be the norm!

    In the heat of a moment when your child is upset and closed down, a redo can’t happen. He is too shut down. Making sure he feels listened to and all his needs are met must come first.
    You can always say with authority….. (not yelling) “It is NOT OK to …… (fill in the blank)
    Then go back to a tender voice, “tell me what you need sweetie; I’m listening”….

    Is that helpful?

  3. MomZ says:

    Yes that was extremely helpful!!! He is 9 and disrespect is something that we deal with a lot here. He has a strong flight, freeze response and flips back into survival mode very easily. He would respond well to this whole scenario, so thank-you so much for taking the time to write this all out!

Comments warmly welcomed!

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