Structure Vs. Control

A Quote from Becky Bailey’s book, “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline”“Fear focuses on what you don’t want; love focuses on what you do want.” “Fear controls, love structures.” “Fear judges, and love notices.”
I really like the perspective here.
There is a big difference between “structure” and “control”.
There is a difference between “judgment” and “noticing”.
There is a difference in focusing on what you want in family, vs. what you DON’T want!These quotes are so true!

To focus on the positive…. vs. the negative can make all the difference in success!

I would like to address Structure vs. Control:
Family life should  be organized and structured… that brings security! However, controlling behaviors from parents bring about resistance and failure!
What is the difference between “Controlling Behavior” and “Structure?”
Structure is a framework and is flexible…according to NEED.
Controlling behaviors focus on …. well…. control of another individual  and trying to force
a certain outcome.When parenting a child who comes from a very difficult background, force is only going to bring about conflict.  You may wind up with “compliance”, but it will be external.
Internally, the child may be harboring anger and growing in bitterness, or, they may be completely rebellious in behavior.

We all want our kids to obey and love us.  But there is an adjustment time for our kids who come from difficult backgrounds, where they just need space. They need to process grief, and they need to learn to trust.  There is a time where we all need to give each other the space we need to learn to love each other and accept each other.

As parents, we need to provide the ingredients for success…..
1. Unconditional Love
(and I DO MEAN Unconditional!)
2. Acceptance
3. Cheering them on!
(Make SURE you are on their team, and they Know it!)
4. Patience.
(Be patient as they work through grief and DON’T take things personally)
5.  HOPE
Love HOPES all things….. Believes all things….. Endures all things…..
And it NEVER fails.
Never EVER!
6.  Go back to #1.
LOVE!
Success is not an accident, nor is it luck!  It is hard work!
It is dying to self.  It is trusting that the Lord knew what was best and
has it all under control! 🙂
But that is another kind of control! 🙂

And now:  Judgment and Noticing……

It is one thing to notice that your child needs to make changes.
It is another thing to judge them for it.
It can be anything from table manners to obedience.
DO NOT JUDGE!
Notice behaviors and mark them for areas where we all need to improve….
But DON’T put them in the negative!
For instance…. we had a certain sweetie who had no idea how to keep herself clean after toileting.  She was old enough…. Plenty old enough…. But it was obviously something she had not learned.  So we simply taught her.  Lovingly taught her.
Had we judged her, it would have humiliated her. 🙁
It was quite noticeable that this sweetie didn’t understand personal hygiene…. so we worked with her without judgment.
Another sweetie took YEARS to learn how to hold a fork.  Was it rebellion?
I don’t think so.  She knows how to now, but it took time and patience.
Had we enforced… fork holding… I don’t think we would have won her heart.

There are so many areas that each of our sweeties  have needed tweaking….. 🙂
Time and patience pays off in these areas and we have found that being understanding instead of standing in judgement has been very beneficial!

 

1 Responses to Structure Vs. Control

  1. MT says:

    Thanks so much for this insight! Just wanted to share: Our son had been trusting us so much today with some grief he is dealing with. It’s awesome to see!

Comments warmly welcomed!

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