Disruption

REHOMING
DISRUPTION!

I refuse to call “Disruption” Rehoming.
IT IS NOT.
I have been asked to write a post on this because of the breaking news series from Reuters and NBC that came out this week.  You can see it here.
Before you read this post… Please read and watch the links.

So here goes:

We were introduced to Adoption Dissolution/Disruption in 2004.  Our Sweetie 2 was brought home from Ukraine by a different family in 2003.
Apparently, even when in Ukraine, the potential mother did not want her.
They brought her home anyway.  And I am GLAD they did.

I know that sounds odd.  I am not happy about what happened under their roof.
It was pretty horrific.  But I am so glad they brought her home, because that is how we were introduced into the world of International Adoption, and  Adoption through disruption.

Our Sweetie 1 was begging for a sister and praying for a sister.  We had told her, “If God drops a sister in your lap, you’ll get a sister. But we are NOT sister shopping! 🙂

About 6 months after she started praying, an email showed up about a little girl who needed a home. Our social worker, who handled our first adoption’s name was at the top of that email.
She was from Ukraine, and it mentioned several physical issues our sweetie had.
“Missing leg. Missing fingers”, “Clubbed foot”…. and more.

There were even pictures sent that displayed her disabilities.
I was so saddened by those pictures, because all I saw was a precious, sweet little girl with a BEAUTIFUL smile!
We emailed our social worker and she called us…. “I already had you in mind!”
FIVE days later…. our sweetie 2 was in our home.
Her Original Agency was involved. They spoke with us, and our social worker was involved too. But the adoptive family had to make that final decision.

That decision resulted in us referring to Sweetie 2 and “Our Happy Meal Prize”.
We actually picked her up at a McDonald’s …..Sweetie 1 and 2 actually made friends in the play land and were quite excited to find out they were going to be sisters.
ZERO tears were shed when she came home. That sort of worried me.
3 days later, the family asked to come and visit one more time.
When Sweetie 2 found out they were coming, she broke into huge sobs….
“PLEASE DON’T LET THEM TAKE ME BACK!”  (this was from a 5 year old!)And she peed herself. 🙁
We found out more, over the years, what her life was like in her first home. 🙁
Our sweetie 2 did REALLY well in our home. We have never had a problem with her.
We only had to help her overcome her fears and past abuse and neglect.
But…. BECAUSE she came into our home, she told us about the VERY BEST FRIEND she left in Ukraine.  This resulted in a series of events that caused us to go to Ukraine and get her best friend. 🙂
They are now precious sisters, forever united. 🙂
So Sweeties 1,2 and 3 were together for 5 years….. and then…….

Fast forward to 2 1/2 years ago.

We received a phone call about a little girl who needed a home.  An agency that our social worker did home studies for was looking for a permanent home for a little girl who had been disrupted.  It was more complicated than that though.
She was from Russia and the original family had allowed her to leave with a family that was not approved.
For nearly 5 months the agency tried to get her from that home. It was an awful situation.
We were waiting as they worked through legal channels to rescue her.
The 2nd family, was threatening to leave her or abandon her.  It was AWFUL to read the emails, and we felt helpless.
We figured the situation was hopeless and were even told, it wouldn’t happen.
But our Sweetie 1 had prayed and said she was SURE it would work.

A few months passed and we got a call.  “Remember that little girl we were talking about?”
Yes. (how could I forget)

“Are you still inetersted?”

YES!
You need to be in North Carolina TOMORROW!

I froze.  I couldn’t think.  We knew the situation would be hard.
But we also felt it was RIGHT. EVERYBODY was in agreement!
Our homestudy was updated, we went to the doctor, got all the documents needed, back ground checks redone, and I headed to NC on a plane.

I was shaking when I got there, not knowing what to expect.
I rented a car and headed to the attorney’s office.  When I turned on the radio, the song playing was “It Is Well! With my Soul!”
I knew instantly things would be ok.
The attorney and I drove quite a ways to meet this family that was giving our sweetie back.
We asked them to join us for dinner, but they refused.
Sweetie 4 is our “Walmart” girl. 🙁
They chunked her luggage into my car and left her.
I introduced my self to her and told her “I’m here to keep you safe.”
Before they left, the woman said something odd. “Don’t forget to Do you stuff!”

I picked up on the oddity of that statement.

3 days later, Sweetie 4 told me what that meant.
Kick, hit, scream, bite, pinch, and generally act awful.
She said she didn’t want to, because I was nice.  🙁

We had to stay in NC for 2 weeks for proper ICPC paperwork to go through between NC and Texas.
Our adoption petition was filed before we left the state.
3 months later, the adoption was finalized!

Adoption Disruption happens.  Sometimes people are not equipped to take care of a child and thought they could.  Sometimes, the child’s behaviors are extreme and they are not prepared.
I hope and pray that this site helps parents to navigate through the transition phase of adoption to JOYFUL parenting and family life!

I believe that the series that I linked to above was poorly done.   It seemed to focus on a  predator and how easy it is for a child from adoption to become a victim.
It also seemed to use cases that were extreme, calling a child a pig, or saying they had big ears or learning disabilities.
I would say that one of our girls was given away because of her disabilities. 🙁  That hurts so much to say it, but it is TRUE….
The other family however, most likely had good intentions but our daughter was just too much for them and they could not handle her.

Adoption Education is of UTMOST importance to STOP disruptions.  People need to be willing to CHANGE how they see their kids!
They need to learn and educate themselves on HOW HARD it is for kids to come over from foreign countries and learn a new culture, language, and life.
They need to educate themselves on LOSS.
For every adoption, there had to be an abandonment or trauma!

If you are a potential adoptive parent, PLEASE KNOW that ALL children who are adopted, are SPECIAL NEEDS children.  Physical issues can be “fixed” to a degree…..that is what is referred to as “minor correctable issues”……. but the emotional scars from pure NEGLECT and ABUSE exist!  They are there for the MAJORITY of children brought home. PREPARE FOR THEM and if you are not willing to parent a child with special needs, please do not adopt.  Help somebody else adopt!

Adoption Disruption is like the “Wild West” of adoption.  There are no clear rules.
This needs to STOP!
Agencies must REQUIRE that people notify them if they are struggling or even remotely considering disrupting!
They also need to be involved in helping find a proper home for a child who is  sadly, unwanted, or for a family that is just overwhelmed and things are hopelessly broken.

Not all disruptions are the same.  There are reasons.
But Disruption should be a VERY LAST RESORT and ALWAYS in the VERY BEST INTEREST of the CHILD!

I am SO thankful for our beautiful sweeties who came to us in such an unusual way.
We love them both dearly!
And they are PRECIOUS girls. 🙂

 

1 Responses to Disruption

  1. kyhtak says:

    I really appreciate you writing about disruption! I did read the Reuters article you linked to, and that troubled me!

    Yesterday my oldest daughter, who introduced me to international special needs adoption in the late fall of 2010, sent me a couple of additional links on disruption:

    http://lastmom.com/problems-with-reuters-series-on-re-homing-adopted-children-a-k-a-adoption-disruptions/
    http://findingthea.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-d-word.html

    It would be interesting to hear your take on them — maybe in a later post?

    Thanks!

    Kathy

Comments warmly welcomed!

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